Doe (A Deer, A Female Deer) vs. Me (A Name I Call Myself)
Look,
this is what it means to live by yourself in the middle of nowhere: I
just had a prolonged conversation with a deer and her two fawns.
SYCORAX PINE:
"Oh, look: the deer are back! Aren't they beautiful?" [Snap pictures and message them to D. Text this commentary: "My new friends!" Then: "Why is this deer looking at me like he is about to make everyone I've ever loved disappear?.... Seriously, I just looked up after spending several minutes painstakingly typing that, and he was still staring. Hadn't moved a muscle."] "Wait, are they eating my lilies?" [Open window.] "Hey! You! Don't eat those."
THE DEER:
[Look up suddenly, like they are all three thinking about making everyone I've ever loved disappear.]
SYC. PINE:
"That's right. Step away from the lilies. It's the better part of valor."
DEER:
[STARE.]
SYC. PINE:
"OK, think it over. You'll come to the right decision in the end."
DEER, in an obviously scathing commentary on our hierarchy of power:
[Duck heads and begin to eat again.]
SYC. PINE:
"Don't make me come out there."
DEER:
[Unconcerned.]
SYC. PINE:
"I'm coming out there. You're gonna wish I hadn't." [Storm out the door. Pull up short when I see...]
Deer:
[Stare at me even more intensely. Stomp in a show of territorial assertion.]
SYC. PINE:
[Stomp in a manner that should have been highly deer-eloquent, but in a human just seems petulant.]
Deer:
[Stare at me in perplexity. Look at each other like a couple at a dinner party seeing their friends begin to have an embarrassingly public fight.]
SYC. PINE:
"Don't you give each other that look. I'm not crazy. (I do wish I were filming this, though. I think these deer are condescending to me.)" [Point off into forest.] "It's been nice, but I think you'd better be on your way."
DEER, after a pregnant moment:
[Disdainfully turn and make their way into the woods in a leisurely single file that says nothing so much as "I'm not leaving because you've won this argument, I'm leaving because I'm bored."]
SYCORAX PINE:
"Oh, look: the deer are back! Aren't they beautiful?" [Snap pictures and message them to D. Text this commentary: "My new friends!" Then: "Why is this deer looking at me like he is about to make everyone I've ever loved disappear?.... Seriously, I just looked up after spending several minutes painstakingly typing that, and he was still staring. Hadn't moved a muscle."] "Wait, are they eating my lilies?" [Open window.] "Hey! You! Don't eat those."
THE DEER:
[Look up suddenly, like they are all three thinking about making everyone I've ever loved disappear.]
SYC. PINE:
"That's right. Step away from the lilies. It's the better part of valor."
DEER:
[STARE.]
SYC. PINE:
"OK, think it over. You'll come to the right decision in the end."
DEER, in an obviously scathing commentary on our hierarchy of power:
[Duck heads and begin to eat again.]
SYC. PINE:
"Don't make me come out there."
DEER:
[Unconcerned.]
SYC. PINE:
"I'm coming out there. You're gonna wish I hadn't." [Storm out the door. Pull up short when I see...]
Deer:
[Stare at me even more intensely. Stomp in a show of territorial assertion.]
SYC. PINE:
[Stomp in a manner that should have been highly deer-eloquent, but in a human just seems petulant.]
Deer:
[Stare at me in perplexity. Look at each other like a couple at a dinner party seeing their friends begin to have an embarrassingly public fight.]
SYC. PINE:
"Don't you give each other that look. I'm not crazy. (I do wish I were filming this, though. I think these deer are condescending to me.)" [Point off into forest.] "It's been nice, but I think you'd better be on your way."
DEER, after a pregnant moment:
[Disdainfully turn and make their way into the woods in a leisurely single file that says nothing so much as "I'm not leaving because you've won this argument, I'm leaving because I'm bored."]
I'm just sayin': if Calico-Colored Guinea Pig shows up, I'm staying inside the house:
Farfara