Monday, January 30, 2012

Film Moghul

It started when I was asked by the incomparable Lazaraspaste what I thought the difference between a fop and a dandy was, apart from period. Though I gave (eventually) a serious answer, and the conversation that ensued was an all-time Twitter classic, inside my seemingly academic brain all I could think was: "Fop vs. Dandies: Best Action Movie Franchise EVER."

"Give me the name of your tailor,
and prepare to die."

In the hours that followed, the idea grew in brilliance: elaborate sneerfests, fans deployed with martial fatality, the perfect wound of the flawlessly delivered epigram. For the love of humanity, think of the endless opportunity for sexually tense grappling amidst clouds of lace cuffs and collars! The scathing potential of the artfully arched brow!

The sequel in the franchise: "Fop vs. Dandies Redux: Wrath of the Popinjays."

FvD 3: The Beaux' Strategem (starring Matt Damon)

FvD 4: The Rake's Regress

It's a hit in the making, I tell you.

Noir Scribbler

I read reports that there's an orange glow over Hwy 102, and that Haligonians have been calling in UFO sightings after seeing a "big ball floating over Beaverbank." I think chances are good that these are the lingering effects of the Northern Lights, but one thing's for sure. When D and I write the first in our series of Nova Scotian neo-noir mysteries, it will be called Big Balls in Beaverbank.

Or maybe an atmospheric television show....

Offal Revolutionary

Enough is enough: I'm calling for an uprising after learning (from the CBC, where else?) that most Nova Scotians throwing Burns Day celebrations have to order their haggis from Ontario. Is nothing sacred? Must everything be centralized? Cast off the shackles of this distant, strange haggis, Nova Scots!

(My "Out of Old Nova Scotia Kitchens" cookbook instructs me to begin my haggis prep by cleaning the sheep's stomach bag as well as its "knight's hood bag" and to end it by serving the dish "piping hot with clapshot, also called tatties 'n' neeps." I'm on it.)

Ahistorical Show Runner

We're doing The Importance of Being Earnest in my class this week, and it is a sublime source of joy, endlessly rereadable. First I find myself wondering why I never realized that my grandmother *is* Lady Bracknell. And that gets me ponderin'.

After I've launched my "Fop vs. Dandies" franchise of action movies, I'm going to pitch another TV show. In it, Sir Percy Blakeney, Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and Lady Bracknell will alternate spy caper with scathing witticisms over tea.

And yes, I know that Lady Bracknell is out of period in this show, but WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A SPOILSPORT?

Television cares naught for historicity.